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it hurts   
03:38pm 10/10/2006
  i got home 2day and now i wanna puke. ive barly eaten 2 meals in the last 5 days, and i had lunch 2day becuz i dont wanna make a habit, but now i cant even think of food without gagging. i feel so weak and tired, im not even motivated enuf 2 go get a drink becuz my throat is killin me. its just that my parents may b gettin a devorce and its takin its toll on me. cant eat, didnt sleep last nite, and im tempted 2 start takin pills again 2 nock me out so i dont hav 2 deal with the wurld arounf me. sumtimes i wanna die. it doesnt help that my dad has a temper and doesnt appreciate me. he really hates me, no matter how many times he says otherwise. im 2 tired 2 keep typin...  
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A familiar feeling...   
10:25pm 09/10/2006
  I hate him... every inch and every drop of blood that runs through his veins. u hav no idea. he is ignorant, self absorbed, and only nose wat he wants, with no compassion or caring towards the feelings of others. its cruel, but i want 2 kill him... stick a knife through his back wile he slepps. i no i want 2 yet i no i cant. it would hurt those around me as well, and im not as inconsiderate as he is, or pig headed. but if i cant do sumthing then hoo will? dam this twisted style of living, dam this world that we hav 2 inhabit! y is it nothing can b simple, everything needs 2 b a pain. u spend ur hole life working only 2 die wen u get 2 old. it is a sick fuck, a double sided blade, becuz there is comfort 2 b found in luved ones, and in my case, luved ONE. my kate. i luv her more then u can imagine, she honestly means the wurld and more 2 me. i would bring the moon 2 her 4 her birthday if thats wat she wanted. my only rose amoungst so many thorns, her bright scarlet petals r the only thing that can drag me away frum pain and fear. and she is the reason i wont kill him. hoo is HE? its a lot of people, not just one, but they r all the same, so it is only ONE person, one monster. i hate him so much...  
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Life Story   
06:13pm 28/09/2006
  hey dont no how things work around here so ill giv u a summery
about 14 years, 11 months, 2weeks, 4days, 11 hours and 25 minutes ago, a baby boy weighing 7 pounds 5.5 ounces was born in a hospital in Norristown. He is the son of a mother who wuz born and bred in england, but not by her birth parents, and a father who has 6 brothers and sisters, 2 of which he hasnt seen since his alchoholic and abusive father died some 16 or 17 years ago. this little boy was taken 2 a townhouse in Collegville 2 grow up 2 the age of 4. for 4 and a half years, this would b the place where the boy would develop all of his learning and verbal skills, and considering his father was never home, he grew up with a british accent. he lived happily in this townhouse, finding many ways 2 amuse himself, whther it wuz building blocks or annoying the cat. but then sumthing happened that would disrupt the peaceful home... his mom got pregnant. so they moved to a new place, for a reason unbeknownst to the almost 5 year old boy, and in nine months,they would have a baby girl. at first it would b a caring and luving relationship, the boy would feed her, play with her, and make sure she wuz ok. but it wouldnt b long until he began 2 notice the favoritism 2wards the new baby. he wuznt stupid tho, he figured that given time things would settle into place and he would b just as important as her. 3 years l8er, things hadnt just not improved, they had gotten worse. funnily enuf, it wuz the little things that bothered him, like his father having 5 pictures of his daughter in the car but not 1 of him, or being ok with her getting a "c" but flipping on him wen he got a "b". the jealousy began 2 frustrate him and thats wen things began 2 go rong. he began 2 yell at his younger sibling 4 everything, bcuz since she never got blamed, he supposed she should get yelled at by sumbody. but wenevver he became made at her, his father would get even angrier at him 4 the boy taking out his anger on her. it finally got 2 the point where the father backhanded the boy in the nose. the father walked away, and the boy went upstairs 2 nurse his bruised and bleeding nose, tears stinging the cut where the fathers fingernails had hit him. he wuz 9 years old. this is wen he started his "bad habit", 1 that most therapists would consider worth talking over, but no 1 would ever find out, and his father would only continue 2 lash out at him. the boy would just hold back his anger, and wen his father struck him, the boy would only turn his head and stare at his father, just so that he understood the boy would not giv him the satisfaction of seeing him cry. but since he didnt let his feelings out, his prblem would only get worse until it finally began 2 show effect. after he performed his "afterfight ritual" he would pass out minutes l8er and wake up hours l8er with a pounding headache. this habit started wen he wuz 9 years old, and now the only thing that stops him frum continuing is kate. the luv of his life, she tells him 2 stop wat he is doing and he tries so hard. if u havnt guessed, im that baby boy born 14 years 11 months 2 weeks 4 days 11 hours and 25 minutes ago in a norristown hospital and weighing 7 pounds and 5.5 ounces. i havnt performed my habit in over 6 months, and my girl is proud of me, but i think it is ripping me open frum the inside out. i luv her more than life itself, but im begining 2 wonder if its worth living if i hav 2 go thru the same torture evrytime i piss my father off. she tries 2 help me, she really does, and im sure she understands wat im going thru, but... im honestly not as strong as she is mentally, and i dont no if i can handle it much longer... i wont do anything 2 stupid like suicide... im 2 afraid of death (1 of the many things i hate about myself, im a coward) but i may strike back the next he lashes out at me, and then ill leave 4 good. ive got so many places 2 go, so ill b fine. and i dont want ne1 2 rite me sympaty lines, or "come stay at my place" stuff, i honestly dont need ur imput, just a place 2 rite how i feel. im not tryin 2 b rude, just need a journal my rents wont find. and with that, i leave.		  
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1_time_2_many
 
 

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